Tuesday, June 25, 2013

R E A L I T Y { W H A T ? }

as the time winds down, going from triple to double to single digits {yippee!} i feel kind of strange about the way i feel. i'm not scared, yet extremely nervous. i have no clue really what it will all be like, and honestly it hasn't really hit me yet that i leave on my mission in 9 days {i'm up way passed my bedtime...ooh oh...}

sometimes it will hit me, like when my dad asks me what time i'll need to be dropped off at the MTC and i see his eyes go all watery, and inside my heart is breaking...

but then at the same time it feels as if i'm just reading off a time and passing along information, as if i were going away to girl's camp and i'll be back in a few days. but it's not, and i won't and i am beginning to wonder if i won't realize all of this until my first night there, when i haven't given my mom a hug goodnight {call me little or immature but i haven't gone a single night without that hug for as long as i can remember}.

so what's the deal? am i still in the "honeymoon" phase of the mission call? absolutely in love with everything, believing i am invincible, feeling as though i could convert the whole planet if i could only get to them, thinking that all those issues and difficulties couldn't possibly apply to me...

tonight i asked my mom....what if i am paired with a companion who i can find nothing to relate with? {which is an issue for me because i've always kind of felt that i could at least find ONE thing in common with everyone if given the chance}. in so many ways i feel as unprepared as a student who slept through their alarm clock and class starts in three minutes and today is the mid-terms.

{my best friend would tell me right then that it's the fact that i'm worried about all of this in the first place and am thinking about all of this before it happens and thinking through these things that will make me such a good missionary...}

i want to be prepared, and yet i'm told that no matter what i do...i'll never be able to prepare enough! which is so frustrating because i'm the girl who likes to be ready for church an hour early, who writes a list of things that need to be done before the next day, who read through her primary lessons over and over again, who hates being late or unprepared for any activity...

what's a sista' supposed ta do?

i know that somehow everything will work out. He promised that "all will be well", and i trust in that. and i'm still not scared. but really...has reality already hit me and it's just not that bad or am in in for a huge surprise?



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